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Lost Me Blooming Keys

Blog Date - 04 March 2017

Stupid, dumb, thick, numb, ludicrous, farcical, foolish, preposterous, laughable, mindless, unthinking, doltish, half brained, moronic, complete and utter IDIOT!!!

That'll be me that will.

I've just spent the last 2 hours turning the house upside-down, inside-out, around and round looking for my bunch of keys. I've been shouting at myself such things as my mother would say "when did you last see them, when did you last use them?" I've paced backwards and forwards. I've retraced my steps. I've checked my pockets so many times they're worn out. 

I only stepped out into the back street to talk with the builder working on a nearby property. I've since accused him in my head of stealing the keys from me even though we never got closer than 2 metres. I must have dropped them while talking and he's had it away with them so he can come back and turn my house over. 

They're not in the top box. They're not under the seat. They might have fallen inside the petrol tank even though I don't recall opening the petrol tank? They've not slipped down inside the fairing have they? They're not in the shed, maybe they fell into the drain even though there's a drain cover? Perhaps they're on top of the shed, I'll get my ladders. Why would they be on top of the shed, I'm not in the habit of throwing my keys.

Ah, they'll be in the washing machine although I haven't put anything in there today. Nope, I've checked every sock, every pocket, every sleeve and every leg. Oh I know, they'll be in the drawer with the towels, I got a towel out before. Nope. The pile of clean washing I took upstairs? Nope. I've not actually flushed them down the loo, I've not been to the loo but let's face it I'm getting desperate, anything is possible. 

I know I'll sit down, chill out for a while and it'll come to me. Nope. Chilling out is not happening. Under the sink? Nope. In the tool drawers? Nope. In the back street? Nope. Calm down Ren I have not been more than 2 metres away from my property, they MUST be here somewhere. Unless that thieving builder has had them. In the box of drill bits? Nope. In my old coat? Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. 

I have definitely not put them in my box of keys. Definitely. I've been using them so they'll not be there. Nope. That's where I put them at the end of the day not when I'm milling around working. 

OH FOR #%&$ SAKE! Which moronic imbecilic total @+?

In the blooming key box. 

I hate myself at times.

A regular bunch of keys in Ren's handWhy you little....!!!!

Do you have your own shining example of how smart, intelligent, clever and amazing you are? Fine, get lost. Otherwise if you wish to share a *slightly* motorcycle related tale of what a plonker you really are then Click Here

Reader's Comments

Tony W said :-
I once walked around asking people if they had seen my glasses. After several had said no one bright spark told me they were tucked into the neck of my shirt. Now who would have thought to look there?
4/3/2017 2:11:31 PM UTC
Ren - The Ed said :-
HA! Yes I often lose my safety glasses at work...only to find them on top of my head. I spend the evenings sure I can feel them on my head only to find they're not.

I used to think of myself as quite intelligent. Today is causing me to rethink this position.
4/3/2017 2:26:14 PM UTC
125Tony said :-
I hope your 500 key isn't on that bunch. Rumour has it that they can get quite expensive to replace.
4/3/2017 2:27:56 PM UTC
Ren - The Ed said :-
HA! You're quite right Tony. Luckily all is well with the world - for now.
4/3/2017 3:54:24 PM UTC
Borsuk said :-
My favourite is when I have lost something and after 6 months or so replace it. Two days the later the wife will find it down the back of a couch or in a room I haven't been near in a year.
4/3/2017 5:04:37 PM UTC
Ren - The Ed said :-
Borsuk - "or in a room I haven't been near in a year.". Prey tell how big is your mansion? My house is so small I'm never more than 5 metres from any room. And I'm sure you won't mind me storing a few bikes in one of your lesser visited mansion wings.
4/3/2017 9:34:24 PM UTC
Louisa said :-
Your key story, Ren reminded me of what I did a few days ago. Temporarily lost keys are frequently part of my life, but what happened through distraction could have been a potentially distressing mistake and I have learnt very quickly not to do that again...I hope!

The day finally dawned for me to collect my lovely little bike and after a refresher lesson was so looking forward to the moment of riding her home with the instructor and (wow!) onto my drive for the very first time. I drove to the dealers with the intention of walking back to collect the car.
After being thoroughly put through my paces, I parked up at the front of the house with the adrenaline still going strong. I then realised I had to go and get my car. Instructor suggested he could give me a lift back on his Honda...well...I haven't been pillion for many years and couldn't refuse the very kind offer. I didn't hesitate to hop on!
I soon returned with the car and then realised .. where are my bike keys?! A few minutes of manic searching soon ensued .. pockets, key cupboard, the front step, on the grass ... nothing. Now let's check the bike .. ah, um, ok, there they were, still sat in the ignition and blissfully unattended ... :(
4/3/2017 9:49:18 PM UTC
pocketpete said :-
Many many years ago I had lost my keys or something and my 85 year old grandmother was visiting. She said to me dont worry 'Just pin the Devil'

This invovled sticking a pin in the arm of a chair after making a circle.

Of course i thought she was derranged. But I did and sure enough they turned up a couple of days late. She passed away but I have used this trick a few times since and its always worked.

Maybe the item would have turned up anyway but its painless and always reminds me of her.

You can see its not just me that does this.

So come on Ren try a bit of witchcraft and 'Pin the Devil' next time.
4/3/2017 10:53:14 PM UTC
Chris Bell said :-
Ren I nearly always fill my bike from a petrol can,I don't like the petrol stn experience,you know, take off your helmet or you can't pay !!!!(think it's too late by then).Anyway I put the can in the boot of a car and went back inside, then eventually went to the stn in a car,got out,then got straight back in,Instantly remembering(why at this point?) I had put the flippinn can in the wifes car not the one I'm in,dumbass.
4/3/2017 11:50:11 PM UTC
Borsuk said :-
No problems at all Ren.

Any time you like, will even pick you up from the airport.
Though you might have problems getting them up the several twisty staircases that my "Mansion" abounds with.

It's not so much I have lots of rooms it's more I am never home. I can be at work up to 6 months at a time.

5/3/2017 10:41:21 AM UTC
Chris Bell said :-
Ren talking of space,this is how they had to sleep for a couple of nights, with the car parked in front,the rest of the garage now belongs to to James, and his music kit.

5/3/2017 4:39:46 PM UTC
Ren - The Ed said :-
Chris - How dare you make your beautiful motorcycle sleep outside just so some random family member can have a "music room". I think it's time you looked at your priorities my friend. My suggestion is you move out into a garage somewhere far far away as you're definitely not going to win that argument with the wife and the offspring.

SLR650, CG125, CB500. I think were cut from the same cloth Chris, so how did you manage to get a house with a view?

Any chance of using one of your ships as a garage Borsuk? I need more space and it looks as though Chris has been ousted from his garage. Come one man, help out! I'm going to start a charity for bikers with nowhere to store their bikes.

"Could you spare just £245 per month to help out a poor sad biker? This small, insignificant monthly donation could provide sheltered accommodation for a half restored vintage Norton, a GPZ900 that needs new tyres and a KTM 1190. You could put a smile on a motorcyclist's face by providing tools, spare parts and a decent lock to ensure their safety. Please, text 0898 Help-A-Homeless-Biker now"
6/3/2017 9:32:15 AM UTC
Pocketpete said :-
I've got a nice heated outside alarmed storage office/dumping space which will hold a few bikes.

I don't charge much but I might borrow them from time to time.
6/3/2017 9:36:46 PM UTC
Borsuk said :-
I am sure the company will let you store them on the boats Ren but you might need a pedalo conversion kit to reach one of them. They are between 50 and 200 miles offshore and can't move once they reach the field so you might have a wee problem doing that last bit of the journey. We don't have any petrol onboard either so you will need to bring your own. ;-)
6/3/2017 9:54:34 PM UTC
Ren - The Ed said :-
Oh for goodness sake Borsuk why do you have to always complicate things!! Next you'll be telling me these boat thingies aren't even close to the UK? And there's no ferry service or bridge to them? You make it sound like you're all at sea.

Pocketpete I'd probably store 125s. You really wanna ride them? Hehe!
7/3/2017 5:15:10 AM UTC
CrazyFrog said :-
I managed to loose the keys to a new bike before I'd even ridden it. Normally, as soon as I get a bike, I take one off the keys off the key ring and put it in a draw with all the other spare keys, just in case. This time, I managed to loose them before I'd even done that. I had to buy a new lock set and drill the lock out of the petrol tank, which was entertaining in the same way as sitting on the top of a box of TNT casually smoking a cigarette.

Normally, having gone to all this trouble, I'd have expected the original keys to turn up in plain sight somewhere, but no, they were never seen again.
8/3/2017 5:10:59 PM UTC
Ren - The Ed said :-
"...and drill the lock out of the petrol tank, which was entertaining in the same way as sitting on the top of a box of TNT casually smoking a cigarette."

Oh my lord! That's a funny picture you've put in my head CrazyFrog. I can just envision you drilling away with sweat pouring off your brow and looking akin to a bomb disposal officer.

To anyone else reading - please don't try this at home. Drilling locks out from petrol caps is not the way to live a long and healthy life.

8/3/2017 5:36:20 PM UTC
Chris Bell said :-
"How did you get a house with a view" (it's the same at the rear too)it was in a quest for peace and quiet,less houses = less noise , WRONG.
Anyway, read about Sharon's puncture (SL 250) and you mention your dodgy deflation on a tubed rim,that has now worried me on the cg,although I don't go that fast too often.
I took out a cb500f twin today but as on a previous test it gave me pain in the (not butt either)...I think it needs the x seat which rides up the tank.To be honest I just can't seem to better the CG for fun,not speed or handling etc just ease of everything,it is too slow sometimes but still fun,and cheap.Just need a bit of niterous oxide to get out of the way.
8/3/2017 11:14:59 PM UTC
Ren - The Ed said :-
Tubed tyres are either inflated or flat. I much prefer tubeless.

I'm enjoying my CB500X. That said when I pull out the CBF125 I STILL think it's a most excellent bike to ride. As with most 125s it's light, easy, simple and I agree, fun. Big bikes have all the power and the performance but small bikes are fun.

One a 125 when you're travelling at 55mph you feel you're doing 155mph.
9/3/2017 10:30:01 AM UTC
Chris Bell said :-
It's all an annoying compromise
I used to fly a fairly hefty electric helicopter say 28" long, a smaller 23" version and Im now down to an 11" version with inferior controls yet it handles the wind better in comparison.
I once bought an Audi2.0E (sorry, mostly for the sound of it's 5 cylinder engine) boat, at 100mph you could wisper to each other and still be heard,it rode the bumps/potholes well, it had to, because it was too wide to avoid them most of the time,consequently I used and preferred my wife's heavy,none power steering,windy windowed, Golf1.6 to travel to Duxford airshows regularly, (a 300miles round trip).
I definitely don't think the more you spend the better things are,necessarily.

9/3/2017 3:39:33 PM UTC
Ren - The Ed said :-
Yes it's a very annoying compromise.

I want...
125 light weight
125 fuel economy
1000 power output
Gold Wing luggage capacity
Gold Wing comfort
1000 thrills
R Nine-T looks
650 single grunt
Vintage ease of maintenance

All for the price of a cup of tea at my local cafe. I don't think these are unreasonable requests are they?

Please, feel free to add your own demands
9/3/2017 5:20:19 PM UTC
Tom McQ said :-
"I've checked my pockets so many times they're worn out". You seriously expect us to believe Ren Withnell put his hands in his pocket?? Multiple times???? Pffft!
13/3/2017 10:19:39 PM UTC
Ren - The Ed said :-
I was in the safe haven of my own property with no-one around. Therefore I was at no risk of being asked to spend anything.

Cheeky git.
13/3/2017 10:42:40 PM UTC
Tom McQ said :-
I bet it still made you feel nervous doing it tho, LOL
14/3/2017 9:21:26 AM UTC

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