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The Excuse This Time Is 2 Deaths
Leading up to 29 Sep 2025
By Ren Withnell
Ullapool... from the archives because we haven't been to The Outer Hebrides.
We were supposed to be "doing" the Outer Hebrides this September. That would have been 2 weeks to get up there, ferry across, ride about, look around, camp (it) up, and generally take it all in. However regular readers will know Sharon's sister was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The progress of the cancer was vigorous and when Tracey became unable to look after herself Sharon took her sister into her care. Right up to the very end on the 11th September.
You'll understand this has been tragic and hard for Sharon. Myself being a purely self centred git it also meant we weren't "doing" the Outer Hebrides this September. Once Tracey had died - "Sharon needs a break" would be a fair assumption. My own mother died last November, as such I have a box of ashes that require spreading according to her wishes and a few ideas of my own. Perhaps we can conveniently combine a getaway for Sharon while spreading my mother's ashes?
Spreading ashes? That conjures up in my mind a vision of a handful of people atop a mountain, holding hands and wistfully sharing memories as the wind casts human dust across the beautiful scenery. Mother has asked her ashes to be spread along and around The Talyllyn Railway. As such I have conjured up thoughts of standing on the rear of a caboose - nonchalantly and respectfully casting mother's mortal remains along the tracks.
Spreading ashes is a dignified and solomn act...?
Errrrr - nope. It is apparently a crime to be casually dumping ash of any kind wherever your deceased loved one requested. It's called fly tipping, unless you have the land owner's permission then you're OK. The BBC ran a piece recently on this about a walker's "HORROR!" when seeing a pile of ash beside a footpath. Oh no! If that's horror lord knows how they would feel about walking through Gaza.
So despite my deluded romanticised notions of what spreading ashes should be like - it's not going to be anything like that. I shall have a think, see what I can come up with, and take it from there.
"I'm not blummin' camping!" Oh. So we're not camping then huh? Apparently the end of September is far too late in the season to be getting drenched in a cold soggy tent with no hope of a warm bed and somewhere to dry clothing. She is open to the notion of a static caravan though. Between us we source and secure a booking of a static just south of - ahem - "Llwyngwril". No, I'm not even going to try and pronounce it.
No tent, no airbed, and a radiator. Will this do Sharon?
4 nights, Monday through Friday, a week off work but we'll be home at the weekends. I reckon that'll do us you know, not too long, not too far away, long enough to enjoy, far away enough to be somewhere else for a short while. All we need now is some reasonable weather and a cunning and devious way of respectfully transporting ashes in the top box of a motorcycle.
You may disagree with me - and that is fine. Some folks see ashes (or the body) of their loved one - as their loved one still. The ashes (or body) must be venerated and treated with the utmost respect. For myself - mother is dead. What I have here are indeed her mortal remains but they are not my mother. Mother was a person complete with feelings and opinions, problems and pleasures, laughter and tears. What I have here is a pile of ashes.
The ashes were returned to me in a "nice" cardboard box, within the box is a strong paper bag with the ashes in there. I can't see the box and bag surviving a hundred miles rattling around in the bike's top box, particularly if they get wet. I have visions of mother's mortal remains being spread along the M62 and M56 rather than the nice bits of Wales. As stated above to me they are just ashes... but even I have some respect.
I can purchase posh tubes for ashes with nice pictures of clouds and landscapes - for £25 and up! And they're still made of carboard. I eventually find a pair of what look like plastic urns for a few quid. They'll do the job. When they arrive they're made of the thinnest cheapest plastic you can imagine... It's too late now - the ashes are poured into the plastic tubs and sealed with tape - just in case.
That'll do right? Right???
So I head out for Sharon's on the Friday. I have my luggage and of course mother's ashes in the top box. I feel weird. Not because "I have my mother in my top box" but because I don't feel at all at odds with having my mother in my top box. It's weird because it doesn't feel weird like I feel it ought to feel weird. Weird.
We enjoy a thankfully typical weekend - socialising and watching telly, those kinds of things. Sharon is OK for the most part then she'll suddenly tear up because "I was gonna watch that with Tracey" or "oh Tracey would have liked that". From the outside looking in it's all quite normal, healthy even, watching her grieve over the loss of a fellow human being who she's known all her life. I remind myself of the times I have grieved, when you're in the thick of it it feels far from normal or healthy. It hurts.
The weatherfolk are suggesting the forthcoming week will be "mixed". Really? Mixed? Golly what a shocking surprise for British weather - known globally for being so stable and predictable. The main thing is there's no snow and only a potential risk of a storm later in the week. We're not camping, it'll be fine. Hopefully.
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The Excuse This Time Is 2 Deaths
They're off back to Wales. The reasons this time are unusual and some might say quite sad. Fear not, Ren's prudence will make a mockery out of respect.
Reader's Comments
Upt'North ¹ said :-
It sounds as though you both needed a break. It's life innit, until it isn't.
Your thoughts are mine Ed, the soul (religious or otherwise) has departed all that is left is the receptacle of that soul. You didn't love your mum for her left leg or her right ear, you loved her for her soul. It's that which will allow your love to continue forever, the memories, the laughter, the pain, the soul of your loved one.
Upt.
04/11/2025 16:35:11 UTC
Ian Soady¹ said :-
Upt' has nailed it as far as I'm concerned. My thoughts are with Sharon.
05/11/2025 09:54:52 UTC
Ren - The Ed¹ said :-
Stop being nice folks... it's just plain weird.
05/11/2025 19:28:13 UTC
Glyn said :-
I lost my Mum just over a year ago. I was there in the room when she departed this life. I saw her go and fully understood that she had gone. It was very sad at the time but I was surprised that I seemed to get over it fairly quickly, although I do think of her almost every day. She was 89 when she died. Her wishes were for her ashes to be buried in a cemetery next to where she had lived as a child. My father (90 yrs) cannot come to terms with his loss and keeps the ashes at home refusing to comply with her wishes. I’m thinking that Mrs Glyn and I will be dealing with two urns at some time in the future but tents or motorcycles will not be involved. My thoughts are with you both for your losses.
06/11/2025 20:03:10 UTC
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