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Sharon's Biking Blog
Are We There Yet? - May 2014
Since my last blog I have clocked up over 5000 miles on my bike. More weekends out and about and a big trip all the way to Northumbria was how those miles added up. So how did I fair on the big ride all he way to Northumbria?
It is around a 210 mile journey to travel from the bf's house to Northumbria. The first part of the ride went well and I was feeling good on the bike. My little bike could hold its own when accelerating from lights and it is the one time when I don't have to fear slowing other people down. They have to catch me. Yeeeehah!. OK so there is a secret speed demon that seems to be stirring inside me..... But come a stretch of dual carriageway and my bike was flat out, little Zen could give no more and we had to admit defeat as the bigger bikes overtook us. Dagg-nam it!!
On approaching yet another dual carriageway I suddenly and unexpectedly found myself on the the actual dual carriageway sooner than I had planned. I had been rear ended by another bike. It felt like a tremendous jolt and it took me a minute or so before my brain could compute what the hell had happened. Before I could fully digest what had just occurred my survival instinct kicked in and my brain let me know that sitting stationary on a very busy dual carriageway is not a good idea. I started the bike and all seemed ok. However I wanted to be sure everything was as it should be and the first lay-by I saw I turned off into to inspect the bike and gather my thoughts.
The other rider was upset with themselves and was very sorry. I was just grateful that by some real dose of luck nothing had hit me or I had hit it when I got shunted into the road. How I remained upright and managed not to drop the bike I have no idea. The bike was just fine and other than a bit of soreness in my neck and across my shoulder I was feeling ok too. I wasn't mad at the other biker, they weren't riding in a stupid manner, it was an accident. That old time mistake of deciding for someone else that they are going to pull out onto the carriageway. I on the other hand being in the front had spotted a car approaching and decided to stop. It was an error of judgement rather than reckless riding and luckily all machines and all persons were fine.
I had hoped that the rest of my riding companions had pulled in somewhere close by so I could regroup with them. But I had to ride for some time before they seemed to have noticed I was actually missing. I had no idea where I was going and I just had to follow my nose and hope for the best. When I eventually found them and got off my bike to recount the tale and have a stretch the reality of the near miss finally did hit me and I felt a little upset. The bf told me he did try and stop earlier but it just wasn't safe so they had to carry on to find a safe place. I am sure this was the truth but right then I was miffed and I felt a bit put out. But I was also aware it probably had more to do with me being more shook up than I first realised than with no one waiting sooner for me.
The rest of the journey then becomes a trial for me. I think my confidence had been knocked and I did not feel at ease. The roads became single track and were twisty and the pace was relentless. I was determined not to fall back behind everyone else but I was being pushed to my limits and at times so was the bike. I am not used to long journeys, only ever having done one other of similar length before. Neither had I ever before had to ride at such a fast pace for such a prolonged period. The other long journey I did felt like a much more relaxed pace than this one.
I am a determined little bugger, sometimes to my own detriment. Maybe I should have just stopped and then asked Ren to drop the pace a little. But hell right then in the mood I was in I had no faith anyone would have stopped with me. They could all go on ahead for miles again and then what? Besides I am no wimp am I? If everyone else can do this pace why can't I? I can't keep using the learner card all the time now, not with the amount of miles I have under my tyres? So I gritted my teeth, shook my weary head and pushed on.
I began to get really tired and as is always the way with me and tiredness everything then suddenly becomes so much harder. Bends I could surely in awake mode cruise at a reasonable pace suddenly became so very difficult. I went back to learner mode like it or not. I began to slow right down for all bends. My concentration and confidence was shot. This was not fun any more this was an endurance challenge for me.
At long, long last the caravan park that was our end destination came into view. I was so, so very tired I could barely ride the bike into the park and I wobbled all the way to the car park. For the first time in a long time I was actually relived to get off the bike. I felt so annoyed with myself.
I hate how I get tired so easily. Not just on the bike but in every day life. I only have a limited supply of energy, far less it seems than the average person. I sometimes get accused of being lazy which is most upsetting to me. I am not lazy. Lazy to me is when someone has the energy to do something but simply cannot be bothered. I on the other hand regularly have great desire to do something but my energy levels will just suddenly turn off and let me down.
Keys were arranged for the caravan we were all to stay in and we discovered we were right over the other side of a very big park. SO BACK ON THE BIKES!! Good lord I really did need all my steely determination not to just melt into a heap on the floor and declare I can't go on, I give in. But I climbed back onto the bike calling on all the strength I no longer possessed and I heaved my tired and depleted body back into the saddle for the one last ride. Again I wobbled and weaved but somehow the end came into sight. Oh humble caravan I was so glad to see you. I parked up beside the caravan and slid of my bike and well ......melted.
Later on I came out to lock up the bike and I gazed at him for a while. I still loved him and biking but that day had been too hard, I pushed myself to the limits and I took the fun out of it. I ride for fun I must remember that and maybe if the going is a little too hard, a little too quick I need to girl up and say so. But then again as I said earlier I am a determined little bugger so would I ever admit I could not keep up?
Yes I did eventually girl up and told Ren the day had been beyond my current ability. I asked him to ease the pace off for the next few days so I could enjoy my riding and even get to see some scenery. SEE the scenery haaa now that is another tale in itself.......
Ren had told me to watch Vera, a tv program set in Northumberland. He said it was always grey and bleak looking in the series. Well yes it was grey and raining on the tv and we took that reality with us. The next few days proved to be rather grey and misty, so not much scenery could be seen. At least it kept the pace down so I could enjoy the ride outs a bit more. But still I can not put my finger on it but I just wasn't "right" with the bike still. I was working at it, it wasn't just flowing.
No gorillas just bikes in the mist.
The day of the return home journey brought glorious sunshine. Haa typical, at least we did not have to do a big trip home in the pouring rain. The start of the journey home was pleasant and it was good to actually see the sea looking blue and inviting. We managed to eat up a lot of miles by spending sometime on the dual carriageway rather than just the A roads as we did coming down. The bike did fine and I felt kept comfortable and happy with the pace.
Then it was back onto the A roads and some bends again. I was at the back of everyone else and due to roundabouts a couple of cars came between me and the last bike. I then got a fly inside my helmet trying to wriggle into my ear. I slowed down a little to try and flick the bugger out. I thought if a slowed down that the other bikes would realise I was falling behind and suss something was wrong and pull in and wait for me so I could then stop with them and pull of my helmet and sort out the annoying fly. But they just kept going and the gap between us grew bigger. I decided then I could not stop because as far as I could tell it seemed no one was watching my pace anyway so if I stopped I would go unnoticed. By this time the other bikes were even further ahead with another couple of cars now between us.
I began to feel really irritated about the gap. Was I annoyed because no one seemed to be following the rule of riding to the ability and speed of the slowest rider but just going off ahead? Or was I just annoyed at myself and my own lack of ability to keep up? We were even supposed to riding as a group any more? The cars in front of me were going slower than the bikes ahead so consequently I now just kept falling further behind. On twisty roads on a 125cc the opportunity for an overtake of the cars was just not going to happen.
Eventually one of the group becomes aware of the gap and pulls in at the side of the road to wait for me. I was grateful as he waved me past and then tucked in behind me. The others though carried on and it only when we hit a town and traffic lights that we were finally back as a whole group. Once again this was now a ride I was not really enjoying. What the hell was wrong with me, this was a trip I was really looking forward to and I was being a wet blanket and I knew it. This was not how I had planned it to be, me forever playing catch up and feeling irritated and angry about it. I also felt like maybe I was a hindrance to the group ride and I was just become an annoyance by holding everyone back.
On reflection after the trip
In all honesty was the gap between me and the others really such a big deal? Maybe we should have not all said we would stay together. Maybe we should have agreed that I should just tootle along at my own slow pace and they would just have to wait every now and then for me. Or maybe none of these things were really the issue the issue may have been me. Me and my frame of mind.
Maybe this trip was just an eye opener for me. A revelation that I am not as good a rider as I thought I was or would like to be. Maybe having my ex husband text me on the morning of my holiday saying he now wants to stop all maintenance payments for my daughter brought my already numerous finance worries to the fore. My job is not safe, I need to sell the house, one daughter despite her best efforts can not find a job, the other just got rejected from the University she had hoped to attend and on and on. You get the picture I was already feeling upset and frustrated about a lot of things before the trip and I guess all that frustration become focused on a small gap between me and my fellow riders.
I can see a parallel, I feel out of control with my life situation at the moment. I also felt unable to control the widening gap that kept growing between me and my biker mates. It wasn't just a silly gap that got me so upset it is my inability at the moment to control so little in my life. That anger and frustration was there before I even got on the bike. I just transferred all of that onto the one thing I could see in front of me.... a gap between me and everyone else. I guess I feel a little alone with all my problems right now and somehow that stupid little gap in a riding group just hit right at the heart of feeling cast adrift.
I should have used my bike and the trip as therapy. To pack up my problems in a box and leave them at home until I returned. Unfortunately on this trip I forgot to pack up the problems but loaded them onto the bike and took them with me instead. I was a angry and irritable wet blanket and that was my doing.
So all I need to do now is sell my house, buy a smaller one, get a decent job, get decent jobs for both my girls and bloody learn to do bends faster so I can keep up in a group. Simple hey???
Reader's Comments
Cat said :-
well done for realising its not your riding that's the problem.....just make sure you keep the bike as an escapist route...life is exceptionally hard and frustrating at times, but the bike should be your escape route....do exactly as you say above...box up those troubles and leave them at home when you're out riding.
01/01/2000 00:00:00 UTC
shirley said :-
Blimey Sharon, you are far too hard on yourself. I for one applaud the miles you do as a learner, and I know from personal experience that riding with more experienced people always makes you doubt your own ability.
01/01/2000 00:00:00 UTC
Sharon said :-
Thanks Cat and Shirley for your comments they cheered me up :-)
01/01/2000 00:00:00 UTC
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