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I Love Zen But Is It Time To Let Him Go?? - Nov 2013
So I get some bad news from work. 8 people are to be made redundant. We will have to re-apply for our jobs and go against what are some dear friends and colleagues in competitive interviews to see who will remain. To add to this shocker the next week we are told that even if we retain out jobs we are to have a massive pay cut of over 8%. We have been on a pay freeze the last 4 years so this just adds insult to injury and makes a huge hole in my finances. Meanwhile a hole appears in my soffits and mice invade my loft. So as much as I love my bike please forgive me for thinking about selling it. Being a new rider the insurance is no small matter. Plus I have a new bike and therefore need to pay that off and there is also the service charges. You know how it is, it all adds up.
The bike is my only luxury I have to give up. Sky tv went years ago and the gym last year. Night outs are limited. So if I need to save money the bike is the only thing I have left that is not really an essential. Every time I go on the bike I love it that little bit more. So I reasoned with myself that if I got rid of it now in the long run it would be less painful.
So with this mindset I decide to take the bike out for one last weekend together. A good bye ride if you like. With one thing and another I had not been on the bike for a couple of weeks. So I was fully expecting a fluffed start. A few stalls and wobbles and the feeling of being nervous. None of this happened. I was strangely relaxed and the ride was a joy. Oh bugger!!
The speedo wasn't working, it stopped working the other week so I knew I would be taking it in for a look see and repair at the garage. But as I was following the bf on his bike that did not really matter. The ride was just going so well, everything was finally coming together that little bit easier. Things were starting to flow rather than everything feeling alien and dis-jointed. Then while glancing down at my rev counter I noticed that all the lights on all the clocks had gone out. My rev counter and gear indicator had also ceased to function. I pulled in to the side of the road just to check all my lights and indicators were working and they were all in order. So I could at least get home ok by following the bf. Now at any other time this would have and maybe should have disturbed me. I should have started to panic at the loss of my read outs and especially my gear indicator on which I relied heavily to know what gear I was in. But for some reason my calm mood remained unruffled and riding the bike still flowed.
Even changing gears without the indicator showing me what gear I was in proved to be no big deal after all. Well apart from the hill start I tried to do. Picture the scene. Traffic lights on red at the top or a rather steep road. I stop and select first gear. I am feeling a little trepidation because I have done very few hill starts. Lights turn to green. I rev my little engine...brum brum...plenty of positive throttle applied , so I expect to zoom off. My bike revved its little heart out but ... hang on something is wrong I am err failing to move an inch. This confused me for a few seconds until the little light bulb popped on above my helmet and it dawned on me that duurrghh I was actually in neutral. Ha whoops. A quick click of the foot and first gear was found and zoom ... off we sailed up the hill.
Huh this should be a nightmare right?? I should be hating this ride and deciding that giving up the bike was a good idea because maybe I did not like it that much after all?? Besides the bloody thing is broken. But no all the ride did was remind me once again how very, VERY, much I love riding the bike. How with more and more practise I can improve and maybe one day become the rider I hoped I could be. It was clear today how much I had come along from that girl that first sat on the bike with her heart in her mouth and the death grip on the handle bars.
I took my bike to the garage where I first bought it and left it the hands of the mechanics to fix. As I walked away I glanced over my shoulder at the bike stood there in the carpark. The very carpark why I agonized over buying him in the first place just 3 months ago. Knowing full well then that this was not the best time financially for me to buy a bike I paced the carpark trying to decide what to do. I have already told you how from nowhere the words "If not now then when" popped into my head and that sealed the deal for me because indeed at 43 that was a very apt question. I also told you how I struggled to find him a name but once again I left it until a name came to me the felt right and that name was Zen.
Well I read only the other day in a book something rather amazing that I was not aware of. Apparently the whole essence of the Zen religion consists of walking along the razor's edge of Now. One of the main questions in the Zen tradition is ... It not now, when. I was not aware of this when that thought first occurred to me in the carpark. I was not aware of this when I called my bike Zen. But I am aware of it now and as I stood looking at him something inside me told me not to give up on him just yet. It was however time to stop my knee jerk reactions and acting out of fear due to my current uncertain job and financial situation. The bike may be the one thing I need right now to lift my spirits and put a smile on my face. Maybe Zen the bike holds the key to my ability to experience Zen in my life. Maybe I am over thinking it all and being over sentimental. But the bottom line is that looking at the bike and feeling how I felt riding him...I had to ask myself how can I give him up now??
I cannot give him up ... I love him already so much, so he is staying with me for as long as I am able to keep him. It may not be forever but it is at the very least possible for NOW!!
Reader's Comments
john de ville said :-
Well , that was a very inspiring read Sharon.
I still think you are at that stage where you love riding the bike but you still get the butter flies when you are riding.
We are all the same but different if you know what i mean, it took me a while to get rid of the feeling of intrepidation and anxiety when I got on the bike, its strange that I didnt feel the same way when riding the vespa, but then again IVE RIDDEN THEM FOR THIRTY YEARS PLUS.....................LOL. But the big bike seemed to be different altogether.
Dont beat yerself up, if you HAD to ride the bike everyday you would be well on your way to mastering the bike, experience is the only thing that matters , Im glad you are keeping hold of the bike but you will have to ride it more than you are now.......................good luck. :)
01/01/2000 00:00:00 UTC
Sharon said :-
John the only reason I considered selling the bike was financial. I love riding it. I have put 1300 miles on the bike since getting it 3 months ago. I try to get out a couple of times a week. I did 130 miles this weekend despite the weather being wet and cold, so doing my best to keep getting mileage under my tyres.
You are right I still get the odd butterflies but no way as bad as they were. Every mile counts :-)
01/01/2000 00:00:00 UTC
Tom McQ said :-
It's difficult for ANYONE to afford to live alone these days. I keep telling my son the same thing. He's always peppered and can barely feed himself the day before payday. My suggestion to you would be to get a lodger, or worse case scenario, get that Withnell bloke to make an honest woman of you :-D :-D :-D
01/01/2000 00:00:00 UTC
Ren - The Ed said :-
Tom McQ. You are a muck rakeing troublemaker.
01/01/2000 00:00:00 UTC
Tom McQ said :-
I'm here to help :-)
01/01/2000 00:00:00 UTC
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